"He Ain't Heavy..."

It occurred on a barren plain in "Nort" Dakota on a damn cold day in February, 1954.  Earlier his parents-to-be, Martha Alice and Francis LeRay had grown weary of their spoiled 7 year-old son, Thomas and decided to test the proverbial waters once more.  They thoughtfully asked Thomas for his opinion and his answer was; "Absolutely not.  No way in Hell.  I am not sharing any of this pitiful Dakota plain or either one of my parents with a sibling." You see, even at 7, Thomas was already showing signs of a sophisticated command of the English language. 

Martha and Ray wisely ignored Thomas's rants and so, David Claud William was born.  He was famously named after three gentlemen; "Claud", his father's father, "William", his mother's father and "David" from the 1954 abridged edition of the Willow City ND (pop. around 250) phone book.

When Martha brought David home from the hospital, Thomas attempted to take him out with that very same phone book but his aim was off.  They had outhouses in Willow City in those days and he was banished to the Campbell's version 100 feet behind their home until mother Martha began to believe he would accept his little brother.  As you will find later in this story, Thomas remains in that outhouse to this day.

When he was still very little, David and his family moved to Michigan.  They sold every possession they could not fit in or on their 1949 Chevy and headed across the U.S.  They took the route through the northern peninsula and rode the ferry (where Thomas tried and failed to throw him in) into lower Michigan, settling in the Pontiac area near Ray's parents, brothers and sisters. It was a confusing time for the Campbells.  When everyone else was packing their autos and heading West to see what Horace Greely was talking about, they were heading East.  But hey... compasses weren't cheap back then.

After a few years in Michigan and Ohio, where David was brainwashed in a Catholic elementary school, the family packed up again and moved to the Seattle area.  Yes, they finally were able to afford a used compass and get things pointed West.

They settled in Seattle where David grew up in the Renton area.  During that time he fell in love with guitars and cats.  Tom, never being a big cat fan, attempted to hit his brother with a much larger Seattle phone book and missed again.  Martha could not find an outhouse to banish Tom to so she made him sign up for the Air Force and he left, pretty much never to return.  Yes, Thomas was in a permanent outhouse of sorts.

DCWC - Covid hair 2021
(no barber)

David decided he was going to hit Thomas with something other than a phone book if he ever returned to Seattle so he began studying martial arts in the Chinatown area.  There, he would become an expert at the Bruce Lee style of kung fu as well as the ancient oriental custom of drinking hot teas instead of water while exercising.  HelllOOOooooo!!!  He also became quite proficient at wrecking brand new sports cars.

As the years went on, David enjoyed the favor of his Mother and Father without the distractions of his evil, but much more handsome brother Tom.  He and his father became very close and would often stop at a little shop on Maple Valley Highway in the morning for donuts together.  These moments were all the more tender when you consider they shared the same coffee cup for dunking.  And yes, they did require a lot of napkins.

David also cultivated a passion for playing music that has irritated neighbors and annoyed close family members for decades.  For example, when pressed his brother Tom will swear David can play guitar just like Jimi Hendrix though he will also claim Hendrix' God-like status in the music world is completely overblown.  The truth, he will claim, is that Hendrix is no more than a common deity who will be revered for eternity whereas David will be revered only among family, friends and anyone who is fortunate enough to hear him play. The exception of course, will be his brother Tom who will only "Revere" Paul.

As the years continued to go on, David developed a devout love for the word "Boeing" and, unable to afford a trampoline to help him simulate the sound, signed up for a job.  He would prove to have a checkered career there, working mysterious black boxes, getting sophisticated security clearances and transferring from plant to plant up and down the Interstate. Along the way he also got some damn fine acronyms to hang after his name, stuff like MCSE and Cisco.  He became a shepherd for engineers and, in fact, was named as one before retiring to a life of playing video games with his son Dakota.

With Dakota, David Claud William had stumbled across the meaning of life. Considering his success at Boeing and his fine son it's a reasonable bet that neither would have happened if Thomas would have had better aim with those phone books!

No sir..."He ain't heavy...he's my brother."