Once. Twice. Three Times a Dummy.

My rental for two weeks on the job

In Raleigh, North Carolina
A Mazda MX5 mini crossover SUV

Headlights are not automatic on-off

Can't tell if there is a warning signal

My ears decided to ignore high pitched signals a long time ago

Can you see trouble coming?

Once...second or third day in Raleigh
Out of work late... To dinner then hotel
Tired. Turned in early

Next morning Dead...

Not even enough juice to respond to signal from key
Call Hertz tow to come and jump start

No one accuses me of being stupid
I confess anyway
Run the car a few miles to get a little charge on the battery

Then show up at work... Humbled

Twice... Three or four days later I drop my guard again

The little Mazda punishes me for my oversight

Dead as a doornail.

Figure hertz will be on to me this time

And want to charge a fortune for the jump-start

Check with concierge

One of the employees has jumpers

She starts up smoothly

Seems a little smug in teaching me another lesson

Three times... Dinner with friend the night before returning home for the weekend

Long day and I am in a slight fog... mental that is.

Up at 3:30AM the next morning

All packed and ready

Thinking I have spent many years at this

And am getting pretty good at long haul travel

To the car at 4:30

She is dead...yet again

My travel skills are dealt a punishing blow

Plane boards in hour and a half

'Quick! What in the hell am I going to do?!'

Get rental agreement our of the car... Lock the little #$^&$&^ up.

Tell her to have a nice weekend.

Return to hotel

Ask clerk to call me a "cab"

She doesn't nail me with the old joke... sensing I am in somewhat unstable condition

I call Hertz and extend rental to cover return trip

Meaning I get to spend another couple of weeks with the $&%**&^% Mazda

Only good news is the rental is cheaper overall as I now have a longer term contract

I am about 50 minutes from boarding time

Figure if the cab takes 20 minutes to arrive

I will still be okay

20 minutes from boarding I am still standing in the lobby

I am busy inventing new ways to swear

I am calling to change flights when cabbie shows

"They close the gates 10 minutes prior to departure."

"Can you get me there?"

Cabbie says yes and we're off!

He goes fast but not fast enough.

I arrive at gate three minutes from departure

Plane is there but no one is at the gate, or nearby to help me.

Done for.

But wait! There is another flight!

I hit it on standby and make it

I manage to hook up with with my original connection in Chicago

Home at last! Home at last! Great God almighty I am home at last!

But that little dead Mazda is still in the parking lot

Waiting on my Monday return

Smiling through that little chrome mouth of hers

She definitely has the weekend... OFF.

Such is the life of an itinerant worker...

The Ashtray

The famous bar in all it's wacky, tilted glory.

It said, "Bass Ale" on each of four sides.

The two Air Force Medical Service Corps officers 

Sat at the famous original Liberty Bar

In San Antonio Texas

Around thirty-five years ago

He was fairly fresh from a 

Trip to Europe where he had given

MSC Career Development presentations

At Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany

Torrejon in Spain

And Aviano in Italy

While in Italy he and his former boss

A physician and commander there

Made a side trip to Venice for a day

There, he had proudly

Purchased a fine Burberry trench coat

It was a rainy evening in the Alamo city

So he wore the coat to suit the circumstances

They met for dinner and drinks

To discuss the state of affairs

In the Corps and health care in general

For they were both fierce members

One doing staffing for what was then Systems Command

The other doing assignments and career support for MSCs

At the Air Force Manpower and Personnel Center

Before the evening was over

They would also discuss many personnel and health care delivery issues

Often veering from one topic to another

Interesting how beer can redirect topics

Such was the state of affairs

At the Liberty Bar

The one with the slanted floor

And the slanted opinions

As it happened

Bass Ale was their beer of choice

So the evening was filled with many

And the stage was set for a lifetime friendship

As it also happened

There was a Bass Ale ashtray

At each table there.

To commemorate the occasion

He resolved to place

Their ashtray under his Burberry

Melamine Bass Ale ashtray

When the evening was done

He walked out with it

Today, the Bass Ale ashtray

Resides on the patio

Of his home in Sacramento

It is the only ashtray in the home

It is used on evenings

When friends are over

For an after dinner collegial stogie

For times when friendship is shared

It never fails though

When he does bring it out

He thinks of his dear friend

And their time at the Liberty Bar

Of his friend thirty-five years ago

His friend still of today...

And the views they share

About the wonders of life

Maybe he will return the ashtray

To the Liberty Bar one day

So that it may find a new owner

And travel as stolen goods under the folds of a raincoat

Maybe it will begin to commemorate

An enduring friendship anew.

Maybe.

(Update:  In May, 2010 the famous Liberty Bar closed and relocated due to a rental dispute.  Good thing I rescued that ashtray so many years ago... On another front, the Burberry remains stashed in a garage coat closet, serving as a moth magnet.)

The Perfect Appletini...

... is dead.

Dead I tell ya'!

I would walk into Wasabi Restaurant

A Thai and Japanese place

In Cary, North Carolina

For starters I would order an Appletini

It was the first place I ever ordered one

The waiter would walk to my table with it

A perfect sense of balance

For the glass was filled to the absolute top

It was clear, with a few pieces of shaved ice floating on top

I was unable to pick it up without spilling a little

I would clean up the spills

Then sip that puppy to my hearts content

Delicious and rare in its quality of taste and presentation

I really wouldn't order it anywhere else as I have found

Others are a disappointment in comparison

Then, not long ago

I returned to wonder again

At this artful cocktail

The serving was a good half inch short of full

(Right where many would argue my brain typically is)

The mixture was cloudy as opposed to clear

There was no shaved ice afloat in the concoction

To top it off the Thai beef fried rice was bland

When finished and having paid I asked for the manager

The man who walked up was the very same who mixed my drink

I told him anyway

As nicely as I could

Because I hoped to return one day

And find that perfect martini

Still alive

I few days later I was there for lunch

And noticed the bartender, different, was the one

Who had prepared those amazing drinks

For me in the past

There is hope for my return after all!!

iPhone 15 Cobra Lightening

He said, "What is the price of tea in China."

The instant response in the center of his forehead

Was, "Thirty cents an ounce."

"Response One of Three Hundred and Fifty Five Million - give or take."

He said, "Two." Instantly he heard; "An old expression

Associated with a dismissive sentence as in,

"What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?

Often thought of as a smart ass remark."

"Response Two of Three Hundred and Fifty Five Million - more or less."

No one thought twice of the man wandering around

Seemingly talking to himself.

Everyone did it.

"I hear voices." took on a literal and perfectly normal meaning.

People learned to ignore the chattering cacophony

That occurred in all public places.

The tiny moniters in his ears

Drove voice recognition software

Long tuned to every nuance of his voice.

They wirelessly transmitted to the

iPhone 15 Cobra Lightening

Attached to his belt.

The iPhone, in turn, drew from the

Powers of Google,

The powers of all man's knowledge.

He literally knew everything.

It was just a matter of sorting it.

Luckily he had programmed it to include a sense of humor.

Thine Eyes

Thine eyes
Oft blight

Strike the piercing glare

That cast my eyes to the ground

Then rise to blink away tears

Fix the sound to its direction

Shift thine eyes to meet the coming

Mark with bold stare

Amuse your muse

Any one of nine

Spread your cloak to cover

Shelter your students from the chill stare

Protect your pupil's pupils

Quickly set the look

Of thine eyes

Let the glare beware

(Nope... Absolutely no idea what this means... even though my fingers struck the keys to set it in story.)