"Minimally Invasive" - The Sordid Details

She is waiting... for Meeeeeeeeee

One week prior:
It was a bad day in Black Rock
He was feeling low... and scared
It was cold out and rain was drizzling

He had aches and pains where there usually weren't any
He was considering the worst of possible outcomes
Instead of the best
Things like hospital acquired infections and what not...

Not like him to think that way.
It cost him a lot of sleep that night

He was hitting his 65th
A point where it seemed to him
Birthday celebrations became more for the observors
And much less for the 'observee

To add insult to injury
He was about to become patient # (pick one)
Of the more than 200,000 in the US who receive
Hip replacements each year

His work often called him out of state
And, the economy being what it is
He had earlier decided he would postpone the surgery to take work
It didn't happen as he suspected - work that is
And that meant it would happen - surgery that is

He saw his Doc the Friday before
It was his hand-picked surgeon
He had inside info that the Doc was the "best"
In their large community
That was from a fake hip factory sales rep close to his circle of friends

The surgeon practiced the new "minimally invasive" procedure
Using an incision roughly half the size of the older method
Resulting in "faster healing with less pain"
"Oh really?!"

He and the Doc went through the usual information exchange
The Friday before the Monday surgery
And the Doc closed with a convincing, "We'll take good care of you."

That reassurance pulled him him out of the doldrums
And helped him focus on the positive outcomes of the surgery rather than the opposite.

Day one (December 13, 2010): In the hospital Monday morning at 6:15AM
Surgery scheduled for 8:15
He was already checked in and had worn his admitting wristband through the weekend
Yeah, you can pretend it is a band for admission to a rock concert if you want....

A short wait then, into a small room to prep
His two favorite ladies of all time were with him... wife and daughter
The OR nurse visited
"We are going to get you into this gown, get some socks on you,
 Start an IV and a few other things."

The Gasser stoped by and said "hi" and talked a little about the epidural and
Other potions being mixed to reduce his patient to a vegetative state
The OR nurse stopped in and explained a little more
He nodded his head continuously while scanning the area for the exit door
Finding none he resigned
He was wheeled into the OR...

The OR nurse said "Sit up on the edge of the table.
"Hold this pillow and stick your chin into your chest."

The Gasser sneaked up behind him (that's how they are),
found his spot and poked a needle to start the epidural
It was pretty uncomfortable but doesn't last long
"Now, lay down on your back here..."
Seconds later it was lights out.

They said he came to thrashing in the recovery room
So they turned up the juice, conked him out again
And brought him back slower

Woke again in regular room with a wedge strapped between his legs
"To keep you from crossing them."
Not much pain
Okay okay - he was pretty ecstatic to still be alive...
"Just relax the rest of the day.
Tomorrow we will get you up and about".

Family was there visiting
Nurses and techs attentive
All was good
Typical hospital night
PA system came on repeatedly announcing various codes

Day two:  More dialed in to the present tense now...
Rehab folks show and he walks... with assistance of aluminum walker
Everyone makes sure his 'jammies' stay closed
He retains his dignity
The walks and such go well

Day three: He is ready to go home!
Doc shows up and agrees
The walker and the patient are outta there!

Days 4-7: A lot better each day
Home health nurses and physical therapists keep showing up at home
And checking to be sure he is doing okay
He likes (nah, loves) the attention

Day 8: He sheds the walker, moves to cane

Day 9-14: He starts, stops, then starts again... quitting the pain medication that is
The cane disappears too
On day fourteen the staples are removed
What a relief... it was beginning to feel like little piranhas nibbling on my _ss!

The love of his life says his limp is almost gone
"Better than it has been in years."
Damn... that's it for the sympathetic remarks he figures.

Day 15 - 21: The pain meds are long gone.
Everyone keeps warning him not to overdo it
But he feels like he is taking it slow
Even though he is way ahead of schedule
Even went back in the gym on day 16

He calls the doc's assistant
"Get me off the blood thinner!"
"Let me start driving again!"
He loses the first request but wins the second
(Providing I don't violate restrictions on movement of leg.)
"I'll take that!!!"

Day 26 (January 7, 2011): First follow up visit to Doc
He is hoping to get license
To begin tormenting the world again
Very little waiting time

Some x-rays
Radiology tech said he "couldn't believe"
He had already returned to the gym last week
His head started swelling

Doc said;  "Two more weeks of limitations on movement
Then he could return to normal
"Me?!  Normal?!  Little does he know..."

So the limitations are:
No splits while jamming on the dance floor
No high hurdles and
No parachute landings
"Okay I can live with that."

Or did he say;
"No crossing your legs,
No bending more than 90 degrees at the hip and
No inward torque on the fake hip?"
Yea that was it...

The miracles of modern medicine
And a damn good doc
He's a Happy Camper.

2/16/2011 Addendum:

It has now been precisely, exactly (about 8 weeks) since my doc took a frickin' sledge hammer and drove a titanium stake into my body.  Rumor was he was going for the heart "Twilight" style but missed and nailed my femur instead. 

I visited him last week and, shortly after he missed me twice (again) with two ill-timed swings of his "just checking reflexes" hammer, we sat and talked.  He opened with, "You can jog if you want although we don't encourage it."  Now, what the hell was that?!  I didn't even bring the subject up but in retrospect it was a nice nonsensical sort of thing for him to say.  He also said other stuff like "Let your stretching exercises come along naturally, don't try to force it."  I took that to mean don't do it at all which fits nicely into my regimen.  

He also liked the fact that I have already resumed golf, riding the HOG and hitting the gym so I scored a lot of points there I figure.  We then lapsed into a conversation about riding bikes (turns out he is a fanatic too) so I poked him in the finger and made him a blood brother. 

He closed with, "I don't want to see you for your next checkup for a year."  Musta pissed him off.  Then he said;  "When you show up then, I will be lurking in the shadows somewhere in this clinic and will nail you when you least expect it you Bloodsucker."  I think he has been watching too many movies...