Fifteen Groups - Who May Not Enter or Have To Go

Today, Saint John's Abbey in Minnesota released an internal report on 19 monks abusing dozens of children over the years.

Okay, that ices it for me.  I need to build a list...retroactive and otherwise of people and groups I am going to keep out of this country.  I mean, I've had it.  So let's begin:

1. Syrians - This is a no-brainer right?!  Give me a minute and I will come up with a plausible reason.
2. Muslims - Of course they are all guilty by association and I will supply the name of those associations forthwith.  The majority of our nation's Governors assure me they will provide that information soon. Also, since 29% of Americans and 43% of Republicans believe our President is a Muslim, I am going to have to ask him to leave.
3. Catholics - All of them...don't immigrate here and if you are here, leave.  Their priests and monks are pedophiles so they all have to go. Clean out those churches folks completely! Except me. I get to stay because I am casting the first stone.
4. Japanese - They're outta here. I mean, they bombed Pearl Harbor right?
5. Latinos - every last one. C'mon folks...Remember the Alamo!!!
6. Germans - None come in and all who are here must leave. Need a reason?  WWII and attempted extermination of Jews. (Unless of course the Holocaust was not real - I gotta' check on that.) 
7. Protestants - are you keeping up here?!  Hello Crusades!
8. Italians - Hey....Il Duce?  And the crucifixions? Nuff said.
9. All blacks - After all, is there a single African country that doesn't have an historical person or group who has attempted some form of genocide or something related? Wait, I guess that includes all white countries too...
10. Pilgrims - That's right...they launched one of the most successful genocide campaigns in history against Native Americans. Think of it, those weird hats and knickers - you had to know they were up to no good.
11. All Middle Easterners - Hey...if they look like terrorists it must be so right?!
12. Koreans - Yup, all of them. Just because you live in South Korea doesn't mean you aren't in cahoots with those in the North.
13. Vietnamese - Look, North Vietnam won the war. Then they mingled with South Vietnam.  Now they must all be North Vietnamese even if they live in the South - it's only logical.
14. Chinese - There's just too damn many of them and they can't all be innocent right?!
15. Everybody else - Let's just wipe the slate clean then set up an immigration process that takes 85 years to complete...followed by a compulsory 25 year cooling off period.

Now, one might argue that compliance with this list means the United States will end up looking much like the landscape of the Moon or Mars. To that I say; "That's okay because at least the eventual last person standing who will by the way, be a Native American, will feel safe."