Her......and him

 Yes folks, it's sad but true.  These short conversations actually happened.  I know.  I was there.  I'm "him."

Him: “Hey Julie! Has anyone told you they love you yet today?”

Her: “No. the only one I’ve seen is you.”

Him: “Well, let me make a few phone calls.”

Her “No. just leave it alone.”

{We gotta’ work on that attitude a little…}

***

I began the morning with the usual teasing of my bride of more than 50 years and she responded by calmly referring to me as "asshole." I took it like a man. I am an ambassador for world peace.

{Hold the accolades please.}

***

< Today... >

Her: "You got your new fan plugged in!"

Him: "Yeah."

Her: "It's really quiet!"

Him: "Yeah, 'cause it's not turned on."

Both: "Hahahahahahaha."

< Yesterday... >

Her Daughter: "What did you do!?"

Him: "We had it (the diving board) removed." 

Her Daughter: "You sonofabitch!"

{His life in harm’s way}

***

< They are a block into their morning walk and he's not too happy to be there. >

Him: Stops and turns back toward their home. "Oh. I forgot something."

Her: Stops with him. "What?"

Him: "I don't know but maybe I'll remember what it is on the way back."

Her: "That's the most lame thing I have ever heard."

{His ploy doesn't work. They continue walking…}

***

< Watching Seahawks-Packers game>

Her; “They’re not playing very well.”

Him; “Really?”

Her; “Yes. They’re missing right and left.”

Him; “Really?”

Her; “Yes, and in the middle too.”

{She sees everything.}

***

< Received an Amazon package. She proceeded to open it. >

Him: It looked like pants and he said so. 

Her: "Capris." 

Him "Cathanks." 

Her: "I'm not laughing at that, it's stupid."

***

< Leaving Jackson Hole to head through the magnificent Tetons and Yellowstone, 

She dropped a couple of items headed for the car recycle bag. >

Him: "We don't like loose items in the car." 

Her: "Then why are you here?”

***

< Preparing to go out and pick up some lunch... >

Her: "Let's buy a Mega Millions Lotto ticket!"

Him: "Or we could step outside and try to get hit by lightning?"

Her: "We'd have to pay over 600 million in taxes."

Him: "Hmmm...well that would help with climate control and other stuff. Maybe we should!"

< Ticket purchased and in (her) hand... >

Her: "I need to take a photo of it in case something happens to this."

Him: "Right, plus I can send a copy to pal Joe Carrasco. That way he'll know we are going to win so he needn't bother spending his money!”

***

Her: "Did you turn off the garden soaker?"

Him: <resentfully> "I did."

Her: "You know I just thought I'd ask. You know how forgetful we are lately."

Him: "No need to remind me. I'll just forget that you did."

Her: ……………………

***

< He’s ranting about political developments. >

Him: "All this evidence stacking up on legislators...I think every 

single one who helped plan or encouraged the insurrectionist march on the Capital, 

is an accessory to each and every related crime that occurred on that day."

Him again: "I should be a federal judge so I could haul them all into court."

Her: <Pausing briefly before deciding to humor him once again.> 

"Go for it.”

***

< Pulling into Costco parking lot. >

Him: "Do you want me to drop you off or are you okay to walk?"

Her: "I'm okay."

Him: "Do you mean physically or mentally?"

Her: "I don't know but if you keep on like that, we'll see…"

***

< At Rombauer in Sierra foothills tasting wine. Beautiful weather, gentle breeze, 

tasty small plates with fine beverage. >

Him: looking around… “Now, I need a place for a siesta!”

Her: “Well you can go lay on the wood chips!"

Him: (Looking something less than enthusiastic, foregoes nap.)

***

< While both admire plants in sunroom. >

Him: "It's supposed to be in the 70's next week."

Her: "Yeah! It's going to be beautiful."

Him: "I'm in my 70's and I don't see anything beautiful about it at all."

Her: "You don't have it so bad. A lot of people in their 70's can't even get up!"

Him: (Silent. Contemplating. Shuts up for once…)

***

< As they prepare to depart for her lab tests downtown. >

Her: "That's all I have for the week."

Him: "Well, you have me."

Her: "I sure as Hell do, don't I?!"

***

< Binge watching "The Sopranos" while hunkered down for Covid. >

Her: "Well I knew he would get whacked but I didn't think it would be that way."

Him: "Jeez, now you are even talking like you are from Jersey.”

***

< He is struggling to fix leaky bathroom faucet... >

Him: (talking to faucet) "G______ C_________ M_____! Never again!!!"

Her (much later): “Did you get it fixed?”

Him: “....yeah….”

***

< How to survive a year together in virus isolation. >

1. Have two televisions. Place each in comfortable surroundings in separate rooms.

2. Be sure to exchange pleasantries when passing each other in hallways of your home.

3. Wine. Plenty of it.

4. Dumbbells: a. Humor him. b. Use them.

***

< Using bungee cords, he has Harley decked out with 3 bears on the back.  Also has his helmet on with Santa hat attached. > 

Him: "Ho, ho, ho Merry Christmas!!! Up and running with the HOG and the three bears in tow! Wait…do you think the tight chin strap makes my cheeks look...well, chubby?"

Her: "No. It's not the strap.”

***

< UC Davis calling... >

Him: “What did he say?”

Her: "He said my INR is good but we already knew that (from EMR updates).

Him: "Good! Did he say anything about your attitude?"

Her: "No. But you can go ahead and call him if you like. His name is Mark.”

***

< Shopping at Costco - she's the picker and he's the pusher (cart that is).>

Her: "I'm going to get these. I only have one left in the freezer."

Him: "I knew you only had one left in the freezer the day I met you."

Her: “_________________"

***

< On an ever so slightly, more darkly, serious note. >

Him: "You know there are something like ten million job openings right now?"

Her: "I wonder where all the workers went?!"

Him: 'Well, we already killed over six hundred thousand of them." (Covid)

Her: "_________________”

***

< Couple of their best pals are moving into new home. >

Her: "She convinced him to hire a moving company."

Him: "Good, less wear and tear on the body."

Her: "They will be near this club with golf and tennis."

Him: "With his knee, I don't think there will be much tennis."

Her: "What do you think his knee is from."

Him: "Well I think they're both from Santa Barbara."

Her: (silent)

Him: "Huh?"

Her: "I was being quiet because that sounded...stupid.”

***

< Discussing report from person checking home heating/cooling. >

Him: (with poor hearing) "I couldn't understand it all. I couldn't see him (read lips) while he was talking."

Her: "Ask me if you want to know something."

Him: "Ah"...(Contemplating asking once again about the 'meaning of life'...)

Her: "Nothing stupid, just about the air conditioning."

Him: "Oh... Damn.”

***

< Sitting at patio in decent weather (thank God). >

Him: "Did I tell you that I love you today?"

Her: "Yes. You did when you were leaving for poker this morning."

Him: "Was I coherent?"

Her: "You were excited to leave."

***

< At Dicks Plates and Pints for lunch. Watching Olympic Trials on big screen. Event; men's 400 meter. >

Him: "Look at how fast they are!"

Her: "Yeah, and so muscular. How can they be so fast?"

Him: "Well those broad shoulders plus lean and mean make them built for speed. Kind of like me."

Her: "I've known you for a long time and I don't believe that.”

***

< Debating the weather… >

Him: "Let me ask you a question."

Her: "What?"

Him: "Does the word 'baloney' mean anything to you?"

Her: "Only when I'm talking to you.”

***

< Discussing various options... >

Him: "My suggestion would be; when times are tough, when you are struggling for moral and practical solutions, when you are searching for strength...just ask yourself; What would Tom do?"

Her: "Yeah right...and start swearing and stuff? I'm not doing that.”

***

< She is in hospital bed waiting on diagnostic procedure. She is talking with her son... >

Her: “I wonder what I did with my phone? I don’t see it here anywhere.”

Younger Him: “You’re talking on it.”

< Later… She's munching a ritz cheese and peanut butter cracker to go along with her noon meds... >

Her: "You want a cracker?"

Elder Him: "No thanks. I already know too many.”

***

< Sunday morning in NOLA, preparing to head out for streetcar ride on St Charles to Audubon Park. >

Her: Pulls out new sweater, puts it on...just right for the occasion and the weather.

Him: Offers that she needs to "...pull the shoulders back a little so as to not let the sweater droop in front. Otherwise, it looks dorky and I am not accustomed to hanging around with dorks."

Her: "Well I am!"