Tax Man Cometh...

...and he doth kicketh my ath!

Recent email from family accountant:
"...just finished your 2009 taxes and it is not good news..."
It's like this just about every year
In fact, my pal/wife and I joke about it
In grim anticipation just before we get the news

He has been our family and company accountant
For just about 20 years now
However, he does not work for us
He works for the government

Years ago he called;
"This is what you need to do to reduce taxes..."
And then he went on with some vague advice
That shot from one ear to the other
And exploded against my office wall
Like a Blue paint ball.

I need to find a new accountant
Who doesn't work for the government
One who has the 'paint' balls to fight back

There probably aren't any...

Cold Cocked

They were young Air Force airmen; immortal, confident
They were also reluctant roommates
In the base barracks/dormitories
Parked near a small town
On the Northeast Plains of New Mexico

One was from the Northcentral states
The other from a Northeast inner city
Different folks altogether
But with an uneasy truce
To keep them at bay from each other

Then the day came...at morning cleanup
There was to be a room inspection later
One was working... the other loitered
They argued over who was doing their share
Of cleanup duties

Small Town boy, then 17, took offense
At Inner City boy's propensity
To doing nothing
Small Town said;  "There is going to be a fight."
Inner City agreed.

Small Town said; "C'mon then, hit me."
Inner City then placed a right cross
Perfectly on Small Town's chin.
Small Town didn't come to his senses
Until later that afternoon at work... several hours later
Cold Cocked

Three years later Small Town, now 20
Was visiting a co-worker close friend and his family
At their home close to the Air Force base
Lajes, on the small island of Terciera; the Azores
His friend's wife had recently borne twin sons
His friend named one of them after Small Town

They were enjoying a small weekend party
Everyone was pretty well lit
Then Small Town's friend turned mean
Began abusing the family dog

Small Town asked him to give the poor dog a break
His friend kept at it, with verbal and physical abuse
Small Town said he was leaving and went out the door
His friend followed, belligerent that Small Town would be upset
At how he was treating his dog...his property

Small Town said, "Stop or there is going to be a fight."
His friend said, "Go ahead and hit me"
Small Town tagged him with a right cross
Perfectly on the point of the chin
His friend was on the ground...
Cold Cocked

Clearly, "It's (much) better to give than receive."

All Counts

I seen what I seen
I done what I done
It doesn't matter
To anyone

I am what I am
I do what I do
It shouldn't matter
To any of you

But it does...
On both counts
Or so you say.

So I'll keep on paying
My daily dues
Blinking and nodding
According to cues

I'll reach for glory
To the depths of my soul
I'll spread it before you
So all you know

Is that  I care...
On all counts
Or so I say.

How To Acquire A Manly Scar

First, it doesn't hurt (or does it?) to be in Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Especially if you have been invited to a Super Bowl party there

Next, you will want to be in a hotel for the weekend
Staying over for work
Or any reason

This will give you the opportunity to walk in places unfamiliar,
(An essential ingredient for this primer)

The evening before the party, proceed to an establishment
That carries wine; (another essential ingredient)
Purchase three bottles; two for the party
Plus one for your most deserving self to be enjoyed in your room

Also stop at any store and acquire
Some large bulky packages
Containing anything that suits you
Just make sure they are bulky

Then, (this is vitally important)
Return to your hotel
Park in spaces immediately in front
(Yes, this too is essential)

Grab ALL packages and attempt to negotiate
The curb (in this case over 12" tall)
Here, it is the panache* that is important...
*In this case, the way you carry yourself

Caution: from here on in this story and its accompanying photos  are PG-13
Proceed at your own peril...

Now, for the critical part
Attempt to negotiate the curb
By carefully placing your best foot forward... really.
Now attempt to guide your slightly lame other foot
Up and over the curb

Failing miserably at this, attempt to catch
Yourself by throwing your arms forward
As you land on the pleasantly decorated large-pebble style concrete
Curse yourself softly as you notice the wine bottles in your left hand
Have somehow placed themselves between  your arm and the concrete

This will allow your forearm to arrive at the concrete at
Precisely the same time as the wine bottle
Thereby breaking the bottle
Curse again softly
Then pick yourself up and investigate for damage

Notice only that your
Precious Downtown Harley Davidson (Seattle) long sleeved shirt
Has been torn and the elbow seems soaked with wine
Curse again softly
And consider your next step... literally

Quickly inspect your packages
And gratefully notice you have lost only one wine bottle
Pick up all packages

Bled all over sneakers
ER tech said soak them in cold water overnight
Put them in filled hotel tub.  It worked!

And head for the hotel entrance
Thoughtfully place one foot in front of the other

Glance down and curse again softly
As you notice red liquid
Beginning to drip all over your
Dazzling New Balance sneakers

Curse, slightly louder when you notice

It is blood and not wine
Refuse to loosen your purchase on your purchases
Continue to the entrance 

Enter hotel looking for assistance
Position yourself over an all weather entrance carpet
To minimize the effect of the blood  

Flowing quite freely now

People rush to assist
As soon as they realize there is no danger to them
Efficient guest 

(I believe her name was Florence Nightingale)
Wraps hotel apron tightly around forearm
In effort to stem the bleeding

Ambulance is called
People try to get you to "sit"
But you are not as cooperative
As your dog, Molly
Besides, you don't want to bleed on the nice hotel chair

Attendants arrive and check vitals
Kindly offer to drive you to hospital ER
"I just need a few stitches
I will drive myself if you will tell me 

Where there is an Urgent Care Clinic".

Receive directions
And proceed
Keeping your left arm out of the way
And held over a hotel towel on the armrest
To keep blood off the rental car interior

Urgent Care Center... feeling okay

Just after ER arrival

Attendant quickly checks wound
And says, "We can't take care of this here.
You may need arterial repair, microsurgery
So you need to go to the hospital ER"

This time you get a nice compress
But it is quickly saturated
So you use the hotel towel again
As you head for the nearby hospital

Enter Emergency Room
With requisite proof of insurance in hand
Before the clerk can check it
Your arm decides to go into action again
'Blood all over' prompts attendants
To rush you into treatment room

Then nurse arrives
Immediately cuts off your
Precious Harley shirt despite your objections
And hooks you up to vital sign machines
Everyone looks happy... so they leave

While waiting for the Doc

You are left alone for a short time

So you take pictures with your 

Trusty iPhone
And consider your luck in not doing more damage

Doc arrives

Multiple injections of healthy doses of Lidocaine

In and around the wound

Make you glad you took Lamaze with your wife

As you now get a chance 

To practice breathing

The morning after
Looks a lot like a baseball stitch doesn't it?!echniques to curb real pain

Stiches, first 8 in the muscle

Then a dozen in the skin

No problem

As the lidocaine and tourniquet

Have you feeling nothing 

Job done

Tourniquet removed

You are insructed to wait around

While they make sure you get feeling back
"An hour or two".

And that funny paralysis in your hand

Goes away

Healed... and manly.

Take another photo 

This time of the stitches 

For posterity you know.

Return to hotel room 

After evening filled with adventure

Report for work the next day

Where your thoughtful clients

At first express sympathy

Then quickly turn to ridicule

When they realize what a klutz you are

Forward a couple of weeks

Grab trusty iPhone

For grand finale

Presto!  

You have acquired a manly scar.
No need to curse any more...

The Towel Game (A Road Warrior Post)

Now listen

You may not to read on

You may not have the stomach for it

Ok don't say I didn't warn you

This is about a new form of intrigue

Of the towel snapping kind

To appreciate it

Or I should say, to experience it

You must spend an ungodly amount of time in

HOTELS

Mainly, of the Marriott kind

Only because I kind of like them

I am addicted to their points system

And I use my old military ID

To get a government discount on the rates

It all adds up to...

So here's the story...

You see, someone in hotel land
Figured guests could and would reuse towels
If only a reminder was posted that it was good for the environment

Less energy used and less soap consumption right?!
Any monetary benefit accruing from reduced
Laundry cost would be retained by the people in hotel land of course.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (hotel)
Yours truly was stacked up again for weeks at a time
In his favorite hotel (read slave to points) of choice

A Marriott in Red Stick, Louisiana

Being the seasoned Road Warrior he was
He quickly sized up the scene
And determined the hotel had two kinds of bath towels

One had been around a while
Washed a bunch of times
And had the home spun feel of... sandpaper

The other was relatively new and still felt like...
Well... a towel that the average human
Would find acceptable

Note:  The Road Warrior is an average human.

The problem was
The good towels were sorely outnumbered
By a scientifically determined ratio of three to one

So, he immediately began scheming
How to be sure that among his four room towels
One would always be a towel of the good and righteous kind

First he did the obvious, following the instructions on the card
And carefully hung the towel on a rack signalling an intent to use it again
It didn't work!

The wily maid had removed it to be cleaned in the sandpaper conversion factory.

Apparently the maid
Had not been informed
Of the environmental situation

Next, he lurked in the hallways
Under full scrutiny of the hotel security cameras
Hoping for an opportunity to raid the maid's cart

Of all the soft towels it contained
That didn't work either
The maids were much too wily

Plus they were probably on the look out
For desperate guests
When they find one, they like to taunt them

By failing to replace their morning coffee supplies
Or,  by leaving the bathtub drain closed so you will discover
It right in middle of your shower when you notice
The water level is rapidly rising
So you have to bend over to release it...
A fairly humiliating posture. 

Finally, he had his eureka moment
He knew from travels far and wide
That maids have an aversion to room closets

That they wouldn't put ironing boards, irons
Or anything else back in the closet
If left out

So, he took to dropping all four bath towels on the floor
That put them in automatic replacement status
Always honored by the maids

When he got a good one
He would carefully fold it
And place it on a hangar in the closet

Thus giving it sanctuary status
And insuring his bare butt
A comfortable rub post shower

Score one for the Road Warrior