How To Acquire A Manly Scar

First, it doesn't hurt (or does it?) to be in Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Especially if you have been invited to a Super Bowl party there

Next, you will want to be in a hotel for the weekend
Staying over for work
Or any reason

This will give you the opportunity to walk in places unfamiliar,
(An essential ingredient for this primer)

The evening before the party, proceed to an establishment
That carries wine; (another essential ingredient)
Purchase three bottles; two for the party
Plus one for your most deserving self to be enjoyed in your room

Also stop at any store and acquire
Some large bulky packages
Containing anything that suits you
Just make sure they are bulky

Then, (this is vitally important)
Return to your hotel
Park in spaces immediately in front
(Yes, this too is essential)

Grab ALL packages and attempt to negotiate
The curb (in this case over 12" tall)
Here, it is the panache* that is important...
*In this case, the way you carry yourself

Caution: from here on in this story and its accompanying photos  are PG-13
Proceed at your own peril...

Now, for the critical part
Attempt to negotiate the curb
By carefully placing your best foot forward... really.
Now attempt to guide your slightly lame other foot
Up and over the curb

Failing miserably at this, attempt to catch
Yourself by throwing your arms forward
As you land on the pleasantly decorated large-pebble style concrete
Curse yourself softly as you notice the wine bottles in your left hand
Have somehow placed themselves between  your arm and the concrete

This will allow your forearm to arrive at the concrete at
Precisely the same time as the wine bottle
Thereby breaking the bottle
Curse again softly
Then pick yourself up and investigate for damage

Notice only that your
Precious Downtown Harley Davidson (Seattle) long sleeved shirt
Has been torn and the elbow seems soaked with wine
Curse again softly
And consider your next step... literally

Quickly inspect your packages
And gratefully notice you have lost only one wine bottle
Pick up all packages

Bled all over sneakers
ER tech said soak them in cold water overnight
Put them in filled hotel tub.  It worked!

And head for the hotel entrance
Thoughtfully place one foot in front of the other

Glance down and curse again softly
As you notice red liquid
Beginning to drip all over your
Dazzling New Balance sneakers

Curse, slightly louder when you notice

It is blood and not wine
Refuse to loosen your purchase on your purchases
Continue to the entrance 

Enter hotel looking for assistance
Position yourself over an all weather entrance carpet
To minimize the effect of the blood  

Flowing quite freely now

People rush to assist
As soon as they realize there is no danger to them
Efficient guest 

(I believe her name was Florence Nightingale)
Wraps hotel apron tightly around forearm
In effort to stem the bleeding

Ambulance is called
People try to get you to "sit"
But you are not as cooperative
As your dog, Molly
Besides, you don't want to bleed on the nice hotel chair

Attendants arrive and check vitals
Kindly offer to drive you to hospital ER
"I just need a few stitches
I will drive myself if you will tell me 

Where there is an Urgent Care Clinic".

Receive directions
And proceed
Keeping your left arm out of the way
And held over a hotel towel on the armrest
To keep blood off the rental car interior

Urgent Care Center... feeling okay

Just after ER arrival

Attendant quickly checks wound
And says, "We can't take care of this here.
You may need arterial repair, microsurgery
So you need to go to the hospital ER"

This time you get a nice compress
But it is quickly saturated
So you use the hotel towel again
As you head for the nearby hospital

Enter Emergency Room
With requisite proof of insurance in hand
Before the clerk can check it
Your arm decides to go into action again
'Blood all over' prompts attendants
To rush you into treatment room

Then nurse arrives
Immediately cuts off your
Precious Harley shirt despite your objections
And hooks you up to vital sign machines
Everyone looks happy... so they leave

While waiting for the Doc

You are left alone for a short time

So you take pictures with your 

Trusty iPhone
And consider your luck in not doing more damage

Doc arrives

Multiple injections of healthy doses of Lidocaine

In and around the wound

Make you glad you took Lamaze with your wife

As you now get a chance 

To practice breathing

The morning after
Looks a lot like a baseball stitch doesn't it?!echniques to curb real pain

Stiches, first 8 in the muscle

Then a dozen in the skin

No problem

As the lidocaine and tourniquet

Have you feeling nothing 

Job done

Tourniquet removed

You are insructed to wait around

While they make sure you get feeling back
"An hour or two".

And that funny paralysis in your hand

Goes away

Healed... and manly.

Take another photo 

This time of the stitches 

For posterity you know.

Return to hotel room 

After evening filled with adventure

Report for work the next day

Where your thoughtful clients

At first express sympathy

Then quickly turn to ridicule

When they realize what a klutz you are

Forward a couple of weeks

Grab trusty iPhone

For grand finale

Presto!  

You have acquired a manly scar.
No need to curse any more...