Medics

I love working with medics you know?
We may have our differences from time to time
But when the shit hits the proverbial fan
We all get on the same page fast
That's why I am happy to be doing
Whatever it is that I am doing right now
In fact this is the tenth anniversary of my company

Campbell Health Management, Inc: www.chm.tc

Doing whatever it is that it does
WhooHoo!

Annoying Things (and People)

There are certain things bright on my radar screen that are really annoying. Here are a few in ascending order:

- Restaurant booths -

Most are built to fit one person. I don't think I have ever met that person. All end up with the table too far or too close to me.

Too far and you have to “feel real loose like a long neck goose” (Thank you Big Bopper) to reach your meal.

Too close and your stomach gets claustrophobia. You can pretend you are an astronaut though… confined to a tiny space.

Most of the seats are also too low.
Makes you feel like your elbows are about the same level as your ears. Yeah, I know… “maybe yours are” you say.

-Restroom blow dryers -

Am I the only one who likes to splash water on my face to freshen up a little?
Try it sometime it works great.

Only problem is you often turn to grab a paper towel and find there is nothing but a blow dryer.

Trust me. One of these doesn't work good on your face.

Doesn't work good on your hands either.
Makes them feel like you didn't wash them. Strange…

- “To be honest.” -
When I hear someone say that
I wonder… does this mean there are times when they tell me something that they are not being honest?

Should I not believe anything they say unless they preface it with “To be Honest”?

You know its really too much work for me to figure this. Just leave the phrase out… then I can believe everything you say.

- Jargon -

“Utilizing a robust interface that is at once seamless and transparent, our product facilitates your needs at any point in time”.

Can you hear my teeth grinding in the background? C'mon! Let's just say, “Use it and you will see that it always works”.

I think people who write and speak in jargon skipped 1st through 16th grade… that's why they are so impressed with hyperbole. They figure if no one understands it, it must be intelligent.

- Car doors -

So who is responsible for making car door handles I can't reach when the doors are fully open?

If I can find those people, I would like to show them how a rack works… the ancient kind… you know what I mean.

- Fifty mile an hour talkers -

There was once a time when you were on a freeway and came up on someone holding up traffic in the fast lane it was typically an old person… a person who was somewhat confused about what was going on.

Now, half the time it is someone on a cell phone who has completely lost track of what is going on around them.

It happens everywhere, not just on freeways. It's like they are saying, “I have decided to talk to someone and you will have to follow behind me… slowly while I conduct my conversation. It doesn't matter that I am taking up your time as well. As a matter of fact, I won't even notice when you finally get past me and give me the classic one finger salute”.

Now, let me “be honest” with you…
I do it too but will have to quit when the new California law kicks in on June 1st.
Except I don't slow down when I do it.
I am probably even more dangerous.

- My wife Julieann Marie -

You see, she has been spoiling me for 40 years now. It's working.
I wish she would quit. It's really annoying.
No I don't… and no it's not.

- Me -

Yup, here it is coming in at #1.
I annoy myself more than anything.
I mean, I can say something stupid that will leave everyone around me shaking their heads... “WHAT did he say”?
You know me. So you know that.

The Nunnery

So I was in the Denver airport
At my gate area
Waiting for a flight.
I noticed a young woman.
Dressed in a brown habit.

It was a fairly modern habit I guess.
Included a printed blouse.
But also had the traditional veil.

It just popped into my head
“Get thee to a nunnery!”.
Of course I didn’t say it.
But I thought it.

My next thought was
Where did that come from?
The thought that is.

So when I arrived at my
Road Warrior room for the evening
I Googled it.
It said, “Get thee to a nunnery”.
Was from a Shakespeare play.
Hamlet.

I have never seen Hamlet.
In fact,
I have never had an interest in Shakespeare.
So where did that come from?

I know nothing but random thoughts.
Google knows everything,

And is much better organized.

Quasimodo aka Quasimotor

Do not... Repeat. Do not tell anyone you know of this as it may be permanently damaging to my carefully cultivated Badass image...that's right, the book "Badass" documents this fearsome trait. Check it out.

 

Anyway, I arrived at Raleigh airport on a Monday in mid-March and picked up my rental car. It was a Honda Accord (0k... Not so bad). By the time I got to my hotel I realized I had picked up a serious smoker, that is, someone had impregnated the upholstery with something serious of the second hand kind. So after checking into my room and parking my luggage I headed back to the airport to make an exchange. "All we have at the moment is a Mazda and a Prius.” The noise of a Mazda doesn't get my 'motor' running so I said, “Sure, I’ll try the Prius.” 

I had to fish the owner’s manual out of the glove compartment to figure out how to start it. Let’s just say the key doesn’t look like a key at all, rather a small garage door opener. It has a tiny little shifter (wimp looking thing) in the dash and you push a button to put it into Park. You also push a button to start it. Then its center dash screen depicts four wheels connected by an engine and a battery and some moving lines, all working together to propel you quietly down the road. I mean quiet in a big way in fact, you are not sure it is running until you depress the accelerator pedal. So sometimes it is on battery only and sometimes the engine kicks in to give you a boost, especially when you are accelerating. 

The Prius is a slug to be sure but all in all it is a pretty good, pretty well engineered ride it seems. Let’s be clear about one thing though, the Prius is butt ugly. It ranks right among such classic “chew your arm off in the morning” road zits such as the Edsel, the early 80’s Buick Centuries and the mid-90s full size Chevys. Nonetheless, I am kind of fond of the visual nightmare. I am scheduled to turn it in Friday morning after 11 days of rental. I’ll miss her, my little “Quasimoto(r).”

Life

... is a flame that at times burns with such intensity it is almost unbearable. You find yourself holding it in your arms with all the strength you can muster. You know you can withstand the distractions of health and work issues because you are focusing on the here... the now... and you will... you will not allow either to come between you and life... and those you love.

My life, my wife.
My life, my son.
My life, my daughter.
My life, my friends.
My life Molly, the world's greatest Goldy

It's simple really.
All I have to do.
Is focus on these treasures.
And I am complete.

Early Morning... Helena Montana

January, 2008

5:45 AM
First steps outside hotel
Fresh snow everywhere
Glistens like diamonds in the lights
Crunchy underfoot
Too powdery for good snowballs

Crank up Nissan Pathfinder 4wd rental
Too much traction to slide around
Antilock brakes take the slide out of the stop
I prefer the sliding (controlled of course)
Not a fun drive
But a safe drive

6:00 AM
Bank sign verifies time
Says temperature is -5 degrees
Cold works its way through leather jacket
And through scarf
Colder than the breast of a witch

If you take the heater off defrost
The windshield frosts on the inside
Beyond the steering wheel
Must be the moisture in your breath
So you stay cold

6:05 AM
“Early Bird II” restaurant
Only open for breakfast
Full of locals
Off the beaten path but busy
Breakfast Special

“Biscuit with sausage gravy”
“One egg how you like it”
“Bacon”… three strips
“Four bucks”
Coffee fifty cents

Bacon fresh, lean, crispy, thick
Biscuit, egg and coffee
Hits the spot
I’m a happy camper

6:35 AM
Arrive at Mountain Pacific
Quality Health Foundation
Housed in former pauper’s hospital
Rumor has it lots of folks buried out back
It’s on the extreme North edge of town
Where you expect it to be

Nice renovated building
A little bit of early 1900’s art-deco look to it
I think
Circle building a couple times
Can’t get in until someone lets me in

Park in front to watch for someone I know
Pathfinder running
Finally getting warm
Admiring view of glistening snow
And small city lights

Just before 7:00 AM
CEO arrives
I recognize her and park alongside
I am in the building

The pauper’s hospital
For the poor and infirm

I am thinking at least I meet
One of the requirements
Maybe both

The Golden 'Cereal' Killer

This is a truly sobering tale of murder and intrigue. Molly, our Golden Retriever is very likely one of the friendliest dogs on the planet. Her tail is capable of knocking over very heavy objects when she meets a stranger right?! Not so, at least not always. 

Our neighborhood is populated with a flock of wild chickens that local folks for some strange reason like to keep fed and fat. Every now and then the population gets thick so a few of them explore the neighborhood looking for new pickings. 

In her privileged lifetime, Molly has encountered two of these birds in our backyard. Neither was paying enough attention when she “retrieved” them and played with them until they were on their last gasp. Both ended up going the way of the Great White Plastic Bag, into our large green plastic garbage can and finally, into our giant community landfill where they now lie with other murder cases I am sure. 

Since those two instances a few years ago, the dumb clucks have kept their distance. In fact, now we typically see them only when Molly and I are taking Samantha to school and very often, one is crossing the road. When that happens, I do one of two things. I hold my hand out, palm up in supplicating fashion, and loudly ask, “WHY?” as in, “Why is the chicken crossing the road?” Or, I speed up a little in an attempt to practice a little flock control. I am sure Molly prefers the latter maneuver although it hasn't really happened. 

Molly and I also see chickens when we are jogging in the neighborhood. This used to make Molly very excited and she would lunge on the end of her harness in a blatant attempt to do two things; separate my arm from its socket and practice instinctive retriever techniques. Now, all she does is turn her head slightly and look as if to say, “You clucks are too easy. If this old guy on the other end of my harness would let go for a second, I would be all over you birds like a cheap suit but go ahead, live another day.” As a result chickens…don’t come to our backyard no’ mo’. 

The intrigue hit again on a Saturday night. I was getting ready to hit the hay and noticed Molly was running around our shed acting pretty excited and barking once in a while. My guess was she had a possum under there (yes, we have a few in the neighborhood) and she was trying to get it to come out and play chicken. I finally got her attention and we went in the house and that was that. Last night the barking started again but didn’t last long. Julieann went to get Molly in from the backyard and noticed she was up to something in the back. It is a pretty large, dark lot so Julie got a flashlight to see what Molly was up to. A few seconds later, Julie came back and told me she thought Molly had been sprayed by a skunk. We didn’t see any animals but the smell was pretty unmistakable and Molly was very busy rolling on the ground and rubbing against our trees. We corralled her and she had a pretty bad odor but it didn’t seem like skunk. We shampooed her three times in the backyard in an effort to control the smell and it didn’t work too badly so that was it for the night. 

When we let her back in the house she seemed pretty excited too. She was moving around the house pretty quick looking "bright eyed and bushy tailed" if you know what I mean. The next morning, I had to get up at 3 to head for an early east coast flight. When I got to Denver and checked the cell phone there was a message from Julieann. Molly had killed a skunk and Julie had called animal control to remove it. So there you have it. We have a ‘cereal killer in our home disguised as a lovable, cuddly golden retriever. It is our dirty little secret but we are going to live with it. Since the first incident, Molly has been zapped by other skunks twice. If you haven’t been counting, the score is Molly 1, Skunks 3. The chickens probably never will score.

Going to See Billy

9 at night in Baton Rouge. I was in bed early. Sleeping good. Woke up at 1:30 in the morning. I knew I wouldn’t go back to sleep. Thought I would lie there a while and try. A little after 2 and I was up. 

  That’s it Billy. I’m outa here. 

Four hours sleep was enough. I was going to see cousin Billy. Hadn't seen him in over 20 years. 

  Billy, I remember last time I saw you. During a family get together at your sister Donna's. I made a wise crack and you chased me over her sofa...the whole Campbell ganging laughing. 

On the road around 3am. I am a slow starter. Got a damn fine cup of coffee sitting in the console cup holder. Maybe the drunks are off the road and in the sack. 

  What do you think Billy? I hope so. 

On the Interstate pretty quick. Not much traffic. Heading almost straight North. Tuck the needle in tight on 80. It's a fine night. Not much traffic. Good Road. 

  We're doing fine here Billy. I am looking forward to meeting your family. 

Baton Rouge past Natchez. Hey, isn’t this where the Trail of Tears passed? Then Yazoo City. Now over a bridge on the Tallahatchie River. In my mind, I can hear Bobby Gentry singing that song as I cross. I repeat all those names out loud. Baton Rouge, Natchez, Tallahatchie. They really sound good when pronounced with emphasis. And Yazoo City! 

  How do you say it without sounding like a cheerleader Billy? C'mon try it! 

Driving into the dawn as I approach Jackson, Mississippi. A new day is being born. I love this time. I am cranking oldies radio stations. Driving from one FM area into another. But no trouble finding a new one each time. I’m glad we boomers have finally found our rightful status in the music world. At least on the radio. As the miles go by. I’m singing loudly along with the songs. 

  Billy, I am sure happy that the Man has given me a voice I don’t mind hearing. Thoughts of Billy and family sprinkled in and between the songs. Hey Billy! I wish you could have met my wife Julieann, son Tyler and daughter Samantha. I think you would have loved them. I know they would have loved you. 

I am stopping for gas and breakfast. A little one-stop shop between Jackson and Memphis. A couple of biscuits and more coffee for the road. Biscuits are being made right there in the little station. Being stuffed with sliced link sausage, eggs and cheese. They smell irresistible. Back on the road. Munching on the biscuits. Greasy and delicious. I am a happy camper all right. When we were kids, Billy was my first friend. When we were kids, Billy was my best friend. At least in my eyes. I think all us cousins felt that way about him. He had a way of making you feel special. A couple of days earlier, my brother David had told me of a visit some 30 years ago. Billy hardly knew him, but insisted he come over and stay the night.

  David never forgot that Billy. 

Billy was always happy. He had a spontaneous, big laugh that would fill any room. Sure I haven't seen him in over 20 years. 

  But I can still hear your laugh Billy. 

30-40 miles off the interstate to Piggott. I wrestled with the pronunciation all the way there. Finally found out its “pig-it” with a hard "g". There are some things in life you just can’t explain right? It’s a small town under 4,000. But it’s sort of pretty. Right on the edge of the flat land. Right in the front yard of the Ozarks. Erma Dean. Billy’s wife. Her strength and love for Billy are dazzling to me. She has a twinkle in her eye and refuses to let it go. Even in this time. It is easy to understand why Billy moved to Arkansas. Billy’s sons Scott and Sean. One a crew chief for a Blackhawk helicopter. The other studying mechanical engineering in Michigan. 

  And I saw a few of your grandchildren running around to Billy. I know you are very proud of all of them. 

Cousin Kenny. Billy's older brother. Still a ton of mischief at age 65. The devil is still makin’ him do it. Kenny takes in life in big gulps. And loves it as much as anyone I know. Kenny’s son Mike - a serious, stable soul. An information technology guy and rancher. Mike’s wife, Coleen and fine young son Ben. Coleen was raised on a diary farm in Arkansas, or is it Missouri? And she has this look, like she always understands what is going on. And she has this fine, loving sense of humor. She is always using it to size up and contain Kenny and his shenanigans. 

  Some of these Campbell’s are really doing good aren’t they Billy?! 

Cousin Joyce. The same quick laugh I remember from so many years ago. And her husband Don. You are Don's friend as soon as he meets you. He just makes you feel that way. Joyce and Don have been at Billy’s for the past month. Joyce is hovering over everything. Making sure everyone has something to eat, has a place to sit, and has been introduced. She hasn't had time to grieve for her brother yet. 

  I 'll bet you made her laugh thousands of times Billy. 

Billy’s sister Carol, and her husband Lynwood. Drove in from North Carolina. I get to know them a little during the visitation at the funeral home. They sure are good folks. The sense of humor is there, in them as well. Erma Dean’s family. Billy and Erma Dean’s friends. They have been bringing food for a month. They all come with a couple of plates. A hot main dish and a dessert. 

  Pretty amazing isn’t it Billy? 

I had a chance to slip in the Clinton joke about DNA and Arkansas. You know. The one where they couldn't test Clinton. Because all people in Arkansas have the same DNA. Erma Dean said I would “pay” for that. The way she put it left no doubt in my mind it was true. I was lucky the twinkle was there when she said it. Life is huge so live it large. Try not to leave anything on your plate. 

  I believe these things and I am trying hard Billy. 

Heading back to Baton Rouge. Thinking about the trip and going to see Billy. I want to write some of this down. There’s a big pad of yellow stickies in my briefcase. I grab the pad, prop it on my knee and start writing while driving. It’s a little hard to read but it’s going to work. I will key them into a computer when I get time. 

Now it’s late in the afternoon. I am driving through the long shadows. The contrast of sun and shade is beautiful. Billy played golf. In the years after he retired from General Motors, he and Erma Dean operated a business. It had them traveling around the country working on golf courses. 

  This is the best time of day on a golf course isn’t it Billy? I will see you again Billy. I am looking forward to hearing your laugh. 

Amen.

I Will Make You Love Me

I will comfort you.
I will make you
Feel calm among strangers.
Feel calm when your mind is agitated.
Relax…relax…relax…

Then:
I will make you
Leave your children...to spend time with me.
I will make you
Leave your work to be with me.

I will make you
Feel anger when I am denied.
I will make you
Feel rage when you can’t be with me.

Then:
I will make you deny the truth.
I will take your breath away.
I will make you question your will power.
I will fill you with self-doubt.
I will make you leave your potential unfulfilled.
And yet you will still love me.

Then:
When I am almost through with you
I will give you disease.
Yet you will still love me.

I will make you love me through it all.
Then when I am done with you,
I will kill you.

Forever Yours in Life
...and Death,

Tobacco